An overwhelming experience

In that big bunch of time,
seeming arduous, unending
at times, where I 
prepared myself for this day,
never did cross my mind,
this thought of - if and how -
when I would finally stand!

By short-sightedness, was limited,
my perception, by closed-ness my feel,
that when ventured for the
first time, out of the cocoon
into the world, dumbstruck was I,
by a process so immense,
an experience so enormous!

As time unfolded itself,
by seconds, minutes and hours,
I saw in awe, pondering
over the whole process,
unfathomable it seemed.
Trembled I in fear, if I'm worthy,
if I could do justice, and as
my mind tried its own tricks,
before my eyes I saw magic!

Fumbled at the first instance,
fearing falling from grace,
unable to contain the compulsive
fluctuations of my mind,
worried I looked out,
then within, and
then to Sadhguru!

However harder I tried,
it didn't work, but the moment
I took a breath, and relaxed,
it happened!
The meaning of the words,
having listened so many times,
taken to have grasped,
came to me so deeply!

As long as I was, it didn't.
The moment I wasn't, it did!
The incredible magic I saw
happening all by itself,
as I stood knowing my foolishness,
the enormity of the process, and
the omnipresence of the sacred
touched me, left me wet with overwhelming-ness!

From the unsurety of "I can't do it",
to being soaked in his presence,
taken over by something else altogether,
realised I that it's not my doing,
nothing can I do, but just be,
simply relaxing into the lap of grace!

As the time of culmination came,
as I stepped out enthralled, dazed,
immensely drenched with experience,
the body started to shiver,
and tears clogged my eyes,
what more could I ever ask?
I cried out! And it came so strongly -
the wish to dissolve into!

--Nayan
Thu, 24th October 2019
On bus, way from Bangalore to Isha Yoga Centre Coimbatore

(A version of this poem in Bangla can be read at http://musical-poet.blogspot.com/2019/11/nijer-thekeo-boro-ek-obhiggota.html )